cheap liposuction

Today's Blathering is a collab entry for Wordgoddess. This month's challenge: to write a letter to a company.

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Friday, January 21st, 2005

Dear Acme Bulk E-mail Co.,

I believe I was mistakenly placed on your mailing list. I'm sure it was an innocent error, made in simple ignorance rather than a misguided (and, I must say, rather moronic) conviction that I can be tricked into opening an e-mail message with a misleading subject header, and then somehow surprised into buying something I didn't want.

To be clear:

- I am not interested in liposuction, particularly CHEAP liposuction.

- I don't need new toner, thank you.

- If I want quality meds, I'll ask my doctor for a prescription.

- I do not want a bigger penis.

- I have no interest in becoming an ordained minister. Okay, well maybe I considered it in a brief moment of ennui, but I've moved on.

- If I've won a lottery, just send me the cash.

- Go ahead and suspend my eBay account, see if I care.

- I said, I don't need new toner.

- I don't want my own casino.

- Even if I needed Valium, why would I want to buy it from someone who can't even spell it correctly?

- I don't want to Boost my Male Muscles, thank you.

- I don't want to look at your profile.

- Why would I want to say good-bye to my stomach?

- I said, I DON'T NEED NEW TONER!!!

- I don't want to send my bank account numbers to a total stranger in Nigeria, prince or no.

- I'm glad you like my site but I still have no interest in seeing you naked.

Sincerely,

Debbie Ridpath Ohi

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Wednesday, January 26th, 2005

Dear Acme Bulk E-mail Co.,

Sending me those unsolicited e-mail messages was one thing, but breaking into my apartment last night and vandalizing my inkjet printer and office supply cabinet is another.

The wallet inadvertently left behind by one of your incompetent toadies is undoubtedly being closely examined by the police. Reverend Igor Glotz should also expect a visit soon from my friends Hector and Gomez, who owe their intimidating physique and charming personalities to one of your e-mail offers last year (in particular, the Male Muscle Booster and Cheaper Unlimited Meds).

Sincerely,

Debbie Ridpath Ohi

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